Bitch Kitty Racing

Guinness makes seventy percent of its international revenue on St. Patrick’s Day and the weekends bookending it. The United States recently exported St. Patrick’s Day back Ireland, where it didn’t really exist. Guinness isn’t actually brewed anymore; what they do is complete the first step and then sell that sludge to every country on Earth. In South Africa, they mix the sludge with Heineken. In China, the sludge is mixed with Tsing Tao. In Ireland—Bass. In America, it’s MILLER LITE.

Why am I telling you this? Because, as a bartender, I want too kill every amateur retard who gets wasted on March 17. I want to punch his stupid face with broken glass until he dies. He is a sap who fell for a marketing gimmick created by a beer company that doesn’t even make beer.

Dear American St. Patrick’s Day reveler, You suck and I hope you die of alcohol poisoning. I swear to God, if you walk in to my bar and ask for green beer I’m going to dig up your grandmother and kill you with her corpse. If you scream, “WHOO!” I am going to jab your eyes out and skull fuck you with a leprechaun. Jameson is hipster whiskey—-nothing more, and you are a clone without an ounce of originality. You are a sheep who loves a marketing gimmick and I hope you get killed by a drunk driver tonight.

And, furthermore, attention everyone in the marketing world: please, do us all a favor and quietly commit suicide, then dispose of your fetid bodies. You are the most worthless human beings on the planet and I hope you all get killed by drunk drivers, too. Marketing is not a real college; it’s what you take when you’re too stupid even to take business courses.

Remember, it’s amateur night. Stay safe—stay off the roads. Thanks, Guinness/Miller marketing department! Great job, you fucking pricks!

Dear corporate America, Look what your staff made you!