30 Days of Night

18. August, 2008 | by John Moroney

The wife and I went swimming yesterday evening, perhaps for one of the last time in the Summer. A swim in these Northern waters creates a mighty hunger, and what better way to spend on Sunday night than in the kitchen? And what better way to consume Sunday dinner than curled up on the couch with a horror movie?

We brought home 30 Days of Night. Vampires, blood, gore, darkness . . . What could be better?

But first, we had a incredibly pleasant surprise last night when creating a pizza sauce without any directions:

Salsa di Pomodoro Piccante

Ingredients

  • Four tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (or more, depending on preference)
  • Two stalks celery, finely chopped
  • One stalk celery, whole
  • One medium white onion, finely chopped
  • Six cloves garlic, finely chopped
  • One clove garlic, whole
  • One half zucchini
  • One quarter cup broccoli florets
  • Six Roma tomatoes; peeled, seeded, and coarsely chopped
  • Six ounces tomato paste
  • Three ounces pecorino romano
  • One tablespoon dried basil
  • One half tablespoon dried oregano
  • Two teaspoons roasted red chili powder
  • One teaspoon low-heat cayenne pepper
  • One half teaspoon sugar
  • Sea salt and black pepper to taste

Method

Preheat the oil over a medium flame, then saute the chopped celery, onions, and chopped garlic until the onion is translucent. Add the tomatoes and saute until the pan is broguht back up to temperature. Add the basil, oregano, chili powder, cayenne, sugar, and tomato paste. Saute five more minutes. Add the zucchini and broccoli; continue cooking until these vegetables start to sweat. bq. Transfer the mixture to a food processor or blender. Add the raw celery, raw garlic, and romano cheese. Puree until smooth, adding olive oil if necessary. Salt and pepper to taste. Either serve or simmer until desired consistency. Fantastico! bq. While the sauce is great straight from the pan, it can also be used on cornmeal pizza or over polenta.

Now, back to 30 Days of Night. To sum up the level of writing and editing in this film, let me say that I had to actually read the description of the trailer before I realized the two main characters were married. (Also, as an aside, the male lead character’s name is Eben. Not Evan or Ethan, but Eben. What kind of a name is that?! Is Eben accessible to the average American viewer? Hamish is a more recognizable name! I actually had no idea of his name before, again, reading the trailer.)

The monsters in this film are vampires. They seem to have come off a ship, or perhaps from outer space. This is never made clear. This unholy pack infests Barrow, Alaska; a town above the Arctic Circle which experiences thirty days without sun. As the sun sets from full daylight to complete darkness, the town is abandoned to those hardy enough to stand the darkness, and the movie is abandoned to those stupid enough to suspend disbelief in that completely handicapable rendition of an Arctic sunset.

Needless to say, there is a child vampire (how could they go there?! My goodness, Mabel!). The monsters are perpetually covered in wet blood, even when they seem to have been out of food for over a week. The band of survivors have absolutely no idea of how to kill the vampires, which is actually fine, because the vampires seem to only succumb to the attacks which look especially gory on film, i.e. a DitchWitch separation of torso and legs. The vampires which can be killed need t have their heads removed (naturally), a feat which can only be accomplished with an axe, even though you can shoot a vampire with a shotgun any old place to stop an attack, or perhaps even just blow its head off from a safe distance. You can also punch a vampire’s brains out, so wouldn’t a shotgun work just as well?

The overall film looks exactly like every other horror movie produced since the release of Apple’s Final Cut Pro HD—lots of black adjusted in, lots of choppy frames, lots of blood color boosted and contrasted into primary focus. Um, can we stop now, please? We all saw 28 Days Later. The effect has been done to death since then; let’s find some other way to induce a mood of fearful anticipation.

Oh, God! 30 Days of Night is SO FUCKING AWFUL. It’s TERRIBLE! It’s HORRIBLE! Not even in a good way! It’s completely without a single redeeming quality, which is why we should immediately boycott everything Hollywood ever does. They produce pap, pablum, and what was cutting edge last year. Prime example: Hollywood made a sequel to 28 Days Later, the equivalent of making Titanic 2. It was fucking horrible, there was no character crossover, the plot sucked, and THERE WERE PRECOCIOUS CHILDREN IN IT! Oh, God, MAKE IT STOP!

I’d like to see a horror movie where Hollywood executives are eaten by child vampires and silicon-boobed zombie sluts from outer space. Imagine the “UNRATED” DVD! Imagine all the CGI!

BURN Hollywood, BURN!