Bitch Kitty Racing

Anyone who can get real information from a dozen lines of text in an ad on an internet dating site should consider starting a side business as an FBI profiler. My experience with internet dating ended up being a lot like a surreal game show, complete with a slick-haired smiling host and a loud buzzer that tells you that you’ve got it all wrong again.

ANNOUNCER: Get ready to play…

AUDIENCE: WHAT’S…YOUR…BAGGAGE?

HOST: Yes, all of you singles out there , let’s play “What’s Your Baggage?” – the game show where the contestants try to pick up on the failings of the other players by reading a four line profile and looking at a photo of half an eye and a nose! Our first contestant today is: Nerdy Pre-school Teacher! (applause)

ME: Um, thanks,I guess.

HOST: So, Nerdy Pre-School Teacher, who would you like to start with?

ME: How about, uh, Goth Guy with Eyeliner for $200?

HOST: Goth Guy with Eyeliner, it is!

(Guy, very goth, wearing lots of black eyeliner, enters stage left)

HOST: All right Nerdy Pre-school Teacher, you know the rules!

ME: Actually, I don’t. I haven’t really been “out there” in a –

HOST: Can you accurately guess the baggage of Goth Guy and whether he would be open to a date before the clock runs out?

ME: Oh, I wasn’t thinking of a date yet. I’m still kind of testing the water. I thought maybe just a –

HOST: Ten seconds on the clock!

ME: Melancholy! No! Depression! Does he suffer from depression?

BEEEEEP!

HOST: Oh, I’m sorry Nerdy Pre-school Teacher; the correct answer is –

GOTH GUY WITH EYELINER: I’m a recovering heroin addict whose always grouchy because I’m sleep deprived from staying out smoking cloves until four in the morning. Too bad, huh?

(Goth Guy exits stage right)

ME: Oh, dear. And I really like men in eyeliner! This isn’t going at all well.

HOST: Sorry, Nerdy, but that’s how the game works. How about one more try?

ME: I don’t know…Oh, what the heck. How about the Kilted, Artistic Drum Circle Guy for $500?

(Drum Circle Guy wearing a Utility Kilt enters from stage left)

HOST: The clock has started!

ME (double checking internet profile and muttering to self): Post-modern art…James Joyce…vegetarian…I don’t know – he looks okay!

HOST: Twenty seconds on the clock, Nerdy!

ME: But I don’t know! I can’t tell!

HOST: Ten seconds!

ME: Is he…is he unemployed?

BEEEEEP!

HOST: Sorry, Nerdy! The correct answer is –

DRUM CIRCLE GUY: I look intellectual, but I’m extremely shallow. I didn’t even read the books listed on my profile.

ME: That’s not fair! You can’t lie about James Joyce!

HOST: Sorry, Nerdy; your time is up! Let’s give the men a try. Drum Circle Guy, your choice please?

DRUM CIRCLE GUY: Thanks! I’ll take Skeletal Girl with Big Boobs for $150, please.

SKELETAL GIRL WITH BIG BOOBS: Yay! Go me!

ME: Hey, Drum Circle Guy, don’t do that! Anyone can see she’s got serious issues!

DRUM CIRCLE GUY: Definitely! She spends twenty hours a week at the gym and she still thinks she’s fat. If she has any creative energy she doesn’t use it – she’s too busy partying to forget she hates herself. She’s deep in debt because of the augmentation surgeries, her self-esteem will be low no matter what she looks like, and it’s highly unlikely she’ll be happy in any relationship because of the constant drama and mood swings caused by the fact that she’ll never be happy with her appearance.

BEEEEEP!

SKELETAL GIRL WITH BIG BOOBS: That’s it! He’s right! (applause)

HOST: Congratulations, Drum Circle Guy! So, are you going to take Skeletal Girl on a date?

DRUM CIRCLE GUY: Sure! Didn’t I say I was shallow? Want to go out for coffee, Skeletal Girl?

SKELETAL GIRL WITH BIG BOOBS: With you? Absolutely not! Where’s the guy with the eyeliner?