Bitch Kitty Racing

A recent foray into internet dating led me to the conclusion that some men need help sharing themselves with the world. Here are some simple tips to get the viewer through your profile with a minimum of revulsion, snickering, and embarrassment.

• If you can format your own page, please make sure it can be seen against your background. Black on black is only good for goth clubs and formal dinners.
• Everyone thinks they’re funny. Check with honest friends before posting this as a strong character trait, especially if you make a joke in your profile.
• Everyone likes good movies and good food. Who likes bad movies and bad food?
• So, you know how a woman should be treated. Um, isn’t it the same way that every human being should be treated?
• Please, your exact length in inches is supposed to be a surprise.
• Everyone likes hanging with friends. You don’t need to list it unless you don’t have any. List that—it’s noteworthy.
• Posting a picture of yourself with a gun is not attractive—it’s scary.
• The word “lady” is a loaded term for many women. I advise against using it.
• Any man who wants to date a woman of politesse and decorum should avoid the words “classy lady” at all costs. do you have one line about you, and six paragraphs about the person you are seeking? I’m getting a clue here about why you might be single.
• You want to spoil her? What do you think she is, a cocker spaniel? You spoil pets and maybe small children. You respect other grown-ups.
• Avoid using the word “hate” in referring to a person or people anywhere in profile.
• Oh, I did NOT need to see that! It’s a profile, not a porn show.
• Yes, my friend, no doubt you would like someone with “the brain of Janeane Garofalo and the body of Claudia Black.” I would like someone with the brain of John Donne and the body of Ewan McGregor, but I realize it just isn’t likely. At least I can spell their names correctly.
• If you’ll lie about your age, you’ll lie about other things.
• Don’t post a picture of your boat instead of a picture of yourself. I’m not going to a movie with your yacht, am I?
• On the same topic, pictures of your house, your car, or your motorcycle instead pictures of yourself tell the world that you are a completely shallow ass without enough self-esteem to attract a mate based upon personality and character.
• What does “open-minded” mean? Does it mean “I like frequent heavy bondage?” or does it mean “I voted for Nader?”
• You’re not fooling anyone by posting a picture of yourself and someone else’s kid. Yeah, it’s cute, but we all know what you’re trying to do.
• The profile song “Bitches and Hos” is not a big draw for women.