Dear General
Dear General Motors,
We need to talk. We need to talk about Buick. It seems you are trying to reinvent the brand by going back to its roots. You seem to like to do this a lot with your brands, but this time, with the upcoming Enclave SUV, you are going head to head with Lexus. It even looks like a Lexus.
This is the sticky part, and I hope you’ll forgive me for being blunt, but Buick’s demographic is dying off. I can’t think of anyone in my generation who would drive a Buick, at least in its current guise. You want me to pay Lexus money for an American car? Why would I do that? You lost me as a customer a long time ago. Do you remember when emission standards were brought into play for your industry? I believe that was over thirty-five years ago. You, General Motors, told the lawmakers, “It can’t be done. No engine can run that clean and still be affordable.” You flat out refused.
Then Honda handed you one of your own engines, a 350 if I remember this story correctly, that exceeded the emission standards. Honda. From Japan. An engine that you manufactured that they tweaked. And they royally kelked you all throughout the 70’s and 80’s, creating inexpensive cars that ran forever and sipped fuel while you built the Cadillac Fleetwood Royal Brougham. I had one of those for two days, a 1976 model. Four miles per gallon. Four. I literally gave that car away. My next car was a 1976 Subaru station wagon that I bought with 135,000 miles on the clock because I trusted it. It never failed me.
To your credit, you and the other Americans did figure sometime in the 1990’s that your cars couldn’t fall apart all the time, nor drive horribly, nor be overpriced, nor have the paint fall off, etc. All those tiny Hondas running for three hundred thousand miles, all those Subarus lasting forever, all those sporting innovations from Mazda, then the influx of Japanese luxury brands, hopefully taught you a lesson. Your cars are better engineered these days, even though a large portion of them are manufactured in Mexico and Canada. So they can’t really be called American. Toyota, who has already crafted your coffin and is now withholding your food, builds American cars now.
Honda gave us the Insight, you gave us the Hummer. Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s like you’re lost again, or living behind a wall built in the 1950’s where American cars were king and the only brands available, because we had just nuked or firebombed the competition out of existence. We need inexpensive dependability and you bring back Buick portholes.
Portholes? You’re getting your butt kicked and you bring back the Rocket Man, Harley Earl? Do you have any idea what year this is? We’re already in space, Bob!
In your defense, I love your EcoTec engine, and can’t wait to drive one (who developed that for you? Was that Lotus Engineering?). Your Pontiac Solstice is a beautiful little car, I can’t wait until you get the bugs out of it (it also looks so much like my senior design project that you’d better pray I never find one of my classmates working for you. The resemblance is far too striking, as is the timing). Beautiful is great, but cars are also supposed to be easy these days, and also drive well. You’ve built Audrey Hepburn in that car, and also its sister, the Saturn Sky, but it drives like Wallace Beery. ¡No bueno!
Getting back to Buick, it’s time to pull the plug. I have never seen anyone under the age of 70 driving one, and as I am a mid-thirties car guy out shopping for a new one, perhaps you might want to listen when I tell you I will never even look at a Buick. Ever. My grandfather drove one until Alzheimer’s claimed his license. That is my only Buick association. Oh, that and an early 70’s Apollo that blew its engine so hard we found a connecting rod in the oil pan.
Not to reopen wounds, but do you remember “It’s not your father’s Oldsmobile?” Yeah, enough said.
Kill Buick, open up a plant in the United States for a change (no more maquiladoras, please, you’re killing American manufacturing with those, not to mention reinventing the sweatshop), and do something wonderful like you did with Saturn. Oh, wait, you’ve already got an established luxury brand in Cadillac, don’t you? Do you really need Buick? Will anyone buy one?
Just let it go. It’s time. You’ll be fine, I swear. Spend your money (what little you have left) establishing yourself as an American manufacture of dependable cars, instead of this stupid luxury game. Why not export one million Chevy Aveos (who’s building those for you, by the way? Oh, yeah, Korea) and get further in the burgeoning global market?
Please wake up to the situation that you, as the world’s largest carmaker, have created. Maybe it’s time to move. But kill Buick. The name is a euphemism for vomiting, you know that, right? Like hummer is a euphemism for fellatio. Do you guys think about any of this? No wonder Toyota is feeding on your liver while you’re still alive.
Keep up with the wonderfully simple and cheap hybrids, the amazing EcoTec (what a beautiful motor! Such a good idea!), and your killer Corvette. Stop bringing up your past, which you really don’t want to remind anyone of lest they actually remember, and keep going forward. It’s really what you do best.
Best of luck!
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